What you say about YOU matters!!
I, Audra, was listening to an amazing Armchair Expert episode. Social Psychologist Jennier Eberhardt was blowwwwing my mind on work & research she’s done with police departments and race. Can’t recommend enough.
But it was something she mentioned in passing that really got me thinking. She mentioned a research project she was a part of early in her career.
How many times have we used phrases like, “I’m such a mess” or “I can’t do it” or “I’m so screwed up”. When we use these phrases, do we believe them? Of course we do! We repeatedly tell ourselves these horrible, degrading things and our brain has no choice but to believe them! And honestly ya’ll, that’s not fair.
Have you ever felt like you were “such a mess” but in reality you simply mean, the situation you’re in is a mess, or it’s sticky or it’s just plain hard. That doesn’t mean YOU are a mess - it means you’re going through a hard time. What if instead, we changed the narrative and said, “this situation is HARD, yes, but I am strong enough to get through it and learn from it.”
Our brain believes whatever we tell it. So if we fill our heads with negativity and self-shaming talk, then yes, our brain will believe that we’re just as awful as we say we are.
Don’t believe us?
Here are the facts.
The sciences + studies:
1. When Asian women were made aware of their ethnicity, their math performance improved, but when they were made aware of their gender, their math performance declined Shih, Pittinsky, & Ambady, 1999.
2. This was repeated with female math students who were told before a difficult math test that this test reveals gender differences in math ability - their performance dropped - Spencer, Steele, & Quinn, 1999.
3. It even happens with children! When young asian girls colored a picture of Asian children eating with chopsticks, their math performance improved. But when they colored a picture of a girl with a doll, their math performance declined - Ambady, Shih, Kim, & Pittinsky, 2001
One more thing… it’s not just you!
Social psychologist Alison Ledgerwood conducted 3 studies that revealed that our mind CAN get stuck in the negative. Like crazy easily. If you start with the positive your mind can be switched to the negative. If you start with the negative, your mind cannot be switched to the positive. Sooooo, it’s not just you, we allllll have to work harder to tilt towards the positive! It takes work to see the upside. Her tips to train your mind - gratitude writing, share good news with others (not bad), overcompensate a negative experience like a big tip for a grumpy waiter.
Would you like our tips?
1. Name the jerk. Give that annoying negative voice a name. Choose a name you hate lol. Personifying that voice separates it from you. Makes it other. Reminds you that it’s not true. Giving that voice a name/a character makes it easier to tell it to go away, climb a tree, go eff itself.
2. This is a little bit mindfulness. Paying attention to the words you are saying to yourself alllll day long. We can do a whole episode on mindfulness. But I, Audra, fully believe in being outside of our thoughts & feelings. Examining them from the outside so we can always choose which ones are true, which ones are fleeting, and which ones might just be the result of a bad night’s sleep or some plain ol’ hangriness.
Sidenote: Be aware of your stereotypes. It’s wayyyyy easy & tricky but you can internalize what society says about you.
3. Cancel cancel - CHALLENGE YO'SELF! Start listing things that you like about yourself, start listing things that went well today, start listing things that are upcoming that you’re excited about. Just did this last night during an epic terrible mom moment. Epic toddler meltdown WHILE the baby was crying. And had been crying for hmmmmm 15 minutes. I just kept repeating in my mind - babies cry, toddlers get sad, I am a good mom. I couldn’t even add I’m doing a great job, something moms say to each other all the time. Because I wasn’t sure that was true, I wasn’t convinced I was doing a great job. But I could say those 3 true things to myself. Babies cry, toddlers get real sad & have big feelings, and I overall, am a good mom.
4. Don’t judge your progress. We got this amazing tip from Forbes. If you’re already down on yourself and calling yourself bad names, don’t ADD to the negativity by judging how you’re doing. SPIRALING & PILING Give yourself grace and use your self-awareness to stop that speech right away!
Final thought: What you think about, you bring about. Think more good things about yourself!!!!
Final final thought - what the fuck is so dang bad about believing in ourselves? I’m not even gonna say excuse my language, because seriously!! I feel that we are often SO quick to immediately say detrimental things about ourselves in the heat of a moment, or when we’re sad, or when things are hard. Why make them harder by adding on negativity? If you’re listening to this podcast right now, you - in some way - want to improve your life, your routines, your dreams, so we KNOW that you’ve got something special in ya. Do us a favor and believe that too. There’s no downside to believing in yourself. Promise.
Resources:
Stereotype Threat Studies: https://secure.understandingprejudice.org/apa/english/page14.htm
Alison Ledgerwood Ted Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/alison_ledgerwood_a_simple_trick_to_improve_positive_thinking?language=en
Tony Robbins: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Q-nI1FRHnE