Divorce lawyers will tell you that COMMUNICATION is the #1 thing cited in divorce proceedings. So today, we want to get into it. How do we say the little honest things to our partners, so they don’t grow & become big things.
Early on in our 18 year relationship, I (Audra) think Doug said out loud to me “Can I tell you something ugly honest?” Whatever followed did turn into a discussion. But him admitting that it was going to be important & honest up front, diffused me. It alerted me to sit down, to listen with an open mind.
Now it’s become a common vernacular in our house. It’s a quick way for one partner to signal the other that a heavier topic is coming. Like a warm up phrase. Another one we use, well Audra uses is, I love you with my whole heart but…. Then I’ll tell him something he’s doing that drives me crazy.
THINGS TO PONDER
Sometimes your mini fight topic is actually about something larger at play. Another way to say this: This is actually about That. We call this a "peanut butter fight." Are you actually angry cause your partner forgot to put the top on the peanut butter jar or are you angry because they weren't giving you enough attention?
Women communicate face to face. Men communicate next to each other. Anthropologists will tell you this is from hundreds of thousands of years of women looking at babies or sitting in a circle together, and men hunting for meat sitting next to each other in the brush. If you’re listening to us, and you’re a woman in a relationship with a man, talk to him while you’re in the car & he’s driving. Second best place, on a walk. Third best place, doing something active together.
Timing is Everything. We love the idea of you and your babe chatting it out while driving, but maybe not while sitting in traffic or while there's a torrential rainstorm outside. Be aware of when the best time to approach your partner is and be aware of timing! It'll absolutely help you out in the long run!
HOLD HANDS WHILE YOU FIGHT. It’s so hard to stay mad.
TOUGH QUESTIONS
What If They Don’t Like What I Have to Say?
In the podcast, Audra shares a fun story from her mission trip days but the bottom line is this: If they don’t like you at your worst, then they don’t like you.
Do you want to be the couple that hasn’t discussed how many kids you want, where you want to live, how you want to spend your money BEFORE walking down the aisle?
If you’ve already walked down the aisle, but you disagree about a big, important topic, Audra’s aunt told her to always defer to the more conservative partner.
Side note - if they don’t like what you have to say, and its important to you - can we just all agree to say it anyway? If something is on your chest, we definitely recommend broaching the subject in a safe place - like on a walk or in the car - and then start the conversation. Don’t bottle it in, that ends up bein' a huge PB fight!
Beyond that, we can’t recommend therapy enough :)
What If I Don’t Like What They Have to Say?
Audra’s family therapist growing up taught the whole fam about the catcher’s mitt analogy. It is good & healthy to have a great big catcher’s mitt for yourself. Not every single thing, every single person says is for you. Even if it’s about you. Catch it out here at arms length with your catcher's mitt, turn it around, evaluate it. Then decide, is this something for me to take in, or am I going to disregard this?
This all goes to the visa versa thing - just like they may not like what you have to say, you may not like what they have to say. But be encouraging here. The last time you brought up something big - was it scary? Were you nervous? Maybe they’re feeling the same way when starting a discussion with you! Encourage the conversation. Just like most stuff we chat about on the topic - the more you practice, the better you get at it with most things. Build that conversation muscle. Make sure you’re on the same page that having open conversations is important to both of you - then keep on practicing. It’ll get easier, trust us :)
What if it gets overwhelming?
Be willing to hit pause. Can you resume the conversation tomorrow? Later that day? We’ve all walked into the family holiday party full of rage at our partner? No, just me? Can you reach a calm place where you can hit pause? The next point might help reach some of that calm.
We get it, hard conversations are tough. Just thinking about having a tough conversation can feel overwhelming. But we encourage you to try. They don’t say relationships are hard work just for fun! It’s true! If you know that the one thing separating you and your babe from growing stronger together is your communication - test the waters and just start talking. It’s okay to feel nervous - I find that starting the conversation with that little bit of honesty is all you need to let some barriers down. Try using words like, “I’m nervous to bring this up but this topic is important to me.” saying the words - “This is important to me” is a huge ear -perker! Your partner loves you and they appreciate whatever is important to you.
What if we can’t reach a resolution?
UN rules. Can you each articulate the others’ point of views to that person’s satisfaction. Maybe that’s good enough. To call it a draw.
HELPFUL RESOURCES:
The Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com/
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